Values in Conflicts - Part 2
Part 1 looked at the internal process and ways of preparing yourself for resolving a conflict, part 2 looks at the external piece i.e., involving the other person (social-awareness and relationship management in EI), this piece looks at techniques that can be used before the discussion taking place to resolve as preparation and reflection, and also can be used during that conversation. As someone mediating this can be used to look at both parties separately and the techniques during the discussion are also relevant.
How to use values to resolve:
Before the conversation/s with the other person or people, use the same approach of thinking about what value might be coming up, but this time flipped onto the other person or people: what might be happening “in their shoes” or from their perspective? What values are they holding to be important? This can support understanding the person/people and situation, shift perspective, having a more empathetic approach, and taking a step back from the situation to help resolve it. However, do not go as far as assuming you know exactly what is going on with someone else without discussing or confirming it with them. The intention of this exercise is to reflect on their point of view. As a mediator you can do this for both parties as a reflection outside the individual mediations, discuss it with them to see how they see it and posing that question on how they think others might be seeing the conflict to support a party seeing things from a different perspective.
There is a little more to just understanding your own values and what could be coming up for the other person to resolve the conflict. Going in with the intention not to judge (which can be challenging if you are part of the conflict) and to find a solution is a good start. Some techniques during the discussion include:
Set the stage i.e. create a space where the intention is to resolve, some structure (such as the four step non-violent communication process) or co-created “ground rules” (such as taking turns speaking, being respectful etc.) can also be helpful in terms of managing expectations, but have to be agreed on together.
Listening so that the person or people feel heard and understood.
Play back what you hear, this can be helpful in terms of clarifying the situation.
Being curious, inquisitive, open, and creating a space where the aim is to understand (not question, interrogate or judge) and through that resolve.
Communicate your side using the knowledge gained from looking at your values, even adapting it to a language the other person will understand better (when you are part of the conflict, not mediating one, however the use of language is useful in facilitating a mediation).
Work together to find a solution or co-create the solution that works for both people.
Take breaks – give people time to process and come back, especially if things start to get out of hand.
Ultimately both parties have to want to resolve a conflict, to an extent, one person can start to initiate a resolution process, but there does have to be movement on both sides. However, managing yourself and your reactions are within your control.
If you have not read Part 1 (which is more on the internal process), here is the link to the article: www.merlinderorjela.com/articles/values-in-conflicts-part-1